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Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

Posted on Friday, May 31, 2024
By
Jess

This article was submitted by a Goer as part of the 2024 Writing Contest.  It won the Celebrating God at Work in Me Category.  To see the winners of other categories and all the entries click here.

I have spent a year in Berlin, and this year has revealed a lot about me. People talk about moving cross-culturally and how it makes all of your weaknesses and struggles come up. I think I might be living proof of that.  

One of the most gripping weaknesses that came up was a deeply rooted sense of worthlessness that drove many areas of my life. Matthew 12:34 says that it's out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks- it's true. It was out of the shame, worthlessness, and rejection I felt in my heart that my mouth constantly spoke. There are many reasons why those feelings were there and then many reasons why living in Berlin caused those feelings to grow, but I can't describe how intensely I carried a sense of shame. It poured out of my mouth like water from a fountain in the form of constant self-deprecating phrases like "I am the worst", "I am bad", "I am unlovable", "I mess up everything", blaring like a check-engine light on the state of my heart. There was unspeakable pain in the core of my identity, and it was getting in the way of my relationships, my ministry, and my life here. 

God is good, and He is loving, and He doesn't leave us in our pain.

God is good, and He is loving, and He doesn't leave us in our pain. Sometimes, His goodness comes in the form of tons of incredible and loving German friends gifted with grace and truthfulness to tell you to knock it off and stop talking so bad about yourself.  I experienced that.  And sometimes, when you don't listen to that, He sends you an angel. 

I got invited to a church retreat with my church here in Berlin. Right before it, I had some stuff come up that really called out my sense of self and the shame I felt, and the pain it was causing others. I knew something needed to change, but I know from experience it takes a lot to change the truth the heart holds that leads the mouth to speak. Personally, I think it takes God. 

On the day I was supposed to leave for the retreat, I was feeling shame, the weight of a lot of failures, and all the sudden something clicked in my soul. I can't explain it, but the word "created" fell over me like a blanket. Psalm 139:14- "I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made", came to mind. I think I'd heard that verse so much but it never hit my heart and became true. Suddenly, though, something miraculously made sense. 

Psalm 139:14- "I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made"

I am a signature. A scribble on a paper alone means nothing, unless the hand that writes it is significant. I am a scribble on a paper, but the hand of God is very significant. If He is valuable, wise, and holy, and He created me, I am valuable. He is an artist, a poet, and a musician- He is the creator. Every creation that flows from His hand is good. We are HIS handiwork- inherently incredible because of the skill of the Crafter. He is the poet who wrote the poem of our minds, the musician who wrote the song of our voices, the artist who painted the color of our eyes. Psalm 139:14 says praise is due because of seeing the value of the way God has made people. Our beauty is grounds to praise Him. It's not founded in our successes or our achievements, our emotions or our appearance, it's an unshakable worth founded on Him. Psalm 139:14 holds a truth with the power to erase shame and inadequacy and replace it with confidence because of the value of being CREATED with intention. In that moment, I remember praying, "God, I praise you, because you have made me well. You are valuable, so I am valuable". It was foreign to my mouth at the time, but that prayer has begun to stick.

I am a signature. A scribble on a paper alone means nothing, unless the hand that writes it is significant.

I can't explain it, but it just hit me, and it made sense. There was a calm in my heart, and a freedom, and something else- a shift in my tongue. Again, I can't explain it, but in a moment it felt like the words I'd said before I could never again say. They didn't just devalue me- they devalued God and what He had made. I was humbled, convicted and wildly awake to how my words had dishonored God. 

It felt significant, just this quiet moment alone with my Creator. 

I went on my retreat, and all the while carried this weird sense that God had done something in me. This sense that something fundamental about my lips and words had changed stayed with me, and it coexisted with the feeling of being totally humbled by God. 

One night, during a corporate worship time, I had a friend come up and ask to talk to me. I had told her nothing about what had been going on. 

She started off by telling me that she had experienced seeing angels before. During worship, she looked over at me and saw an angel standing in front of me. What was most significant was that this angel was touching coal to my lips. That is a reference to Isaiah 6:1-8

"In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord, high and exalted, seated on a throne; and the train of his robe filled the temple.  Above him were seraphim, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. And they were calling to one another:

"Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty;    the whole earth is full of his glory."

At the sound of their voices, the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.

"Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty." Then one of the seraphim flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar.  With it he touched my mouth and said, "See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for."

She said, "I think God wants to do a work of purifying your words so that what you speak would be true. And if you feel any guilt, know that your sin has been forgiven."

I can tell you that those words have not come back out of my mouth in the same way. I was sweetly reminded of that when a friend of mine actually pointed out that the way I talk about myself has noticeably shifted. I suspect it was due to an angel that touched coal to my lips and a God that healed my heart. I've known him as Father, and as Friend, and now as Creator who can affirm my value. Now, my words can flow out of the abundance of a healed heart. 

I am a creation, in the hand of a good Creator. So are you! Praise Him, for He has made us well.

Jess

Jess graduated from Colorado State University with a degree in Social Work. Jess serves in Berlin, Germany on the Compassion - Justice track. Her role supports organizations that come alongside the marginalized and oppressed to empower and share the love of Christ.

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